A Fish Out of Water

An interesting condition

Something strange has been happening to me lately.

It all started with a mysterious urge to go barefoot, especially in the kitchen. Not so strange, perhaps, as here in Japan it's pretty normal to be barefoot indoors.

A little weirder though, was what I was actually doing in the kitchen: despite never having been much of a baker, here I was taking on a miniature baking project.

But somehow the results just didn't satisfy me, and my tastes grew beyond simple carbs. I began to have inexplicable cravings, especially for unusual combinations.

Oddest of all has been the beer belly I've developed. It's especially strange considering I haven't had a single beer in five months.

I'm not sure what's going on here, but it certainly is making life interesting.

Slow times at a love hotel

This month's Japan Blog Matsuri (an event at which Japan-related bloggers post about a given theme) is Slow Times in Japan, a follow up to last month's Fast Times in Japan. I've been meaning to enter one of these blog carnivals for a while now but have never been able to find either the time or an experience to match the theme. But when I read about this carnival I knew just what I was going to enter: an old, old post about a visit to a love hotel. Which might seem like it would be better suited to the Fast Times in Japan Matsuri, except that this was a very special kind of love hotel.

So here's my post: Loveless Love Hotel. If you like it, please click the link at the bottom of the post and follow it to JapanSoc, where you can show your appreciation. And then check out the other entries at What Japan Thinks. I especially liked this post about a near-deserted Sensoji Temple at night and this one about a "relaxing" weekend hike in Oku-Izumo (I can't help but admire people whose idea of "slow times" is climbing a mountain).

Flaty

Being a big gal in Japan, I have quite a bit of difficulty finding things that fit. Knee-length skirts become mini skirts on me. T-shirts aren't such a problem, as long as I don't mind a cold stomach (in fact, I was showing my belly for years before midriff-baring tops became fashionable). Pants are impossible for any number of reasons, the biggest one being my butt. Shoes? Forget about it.

But there's one part of me for which I've always been able to find the right size. Um, make that two parts.

Yup, you know what I'm talking about. This is a country of baby bosoms. Mini mammaries, if you will. Itty bitty boobies. Undersized udders. Petit protuberances. Little lactators. Tiny titties. Nano knockers. OK, I'll stop, I think you get the idea (and I can't find my thesaurus). The point is, I don't have much of a problem finding a bra that fits.

Finding a bra that doesn't make me look like I have two little torpedoes ready blast off from my chest, however, is a different story. You see, women here seem to think being under-endowed is shameful. Shameful enough to hide under layers of stiff lace and foam padding and puffy almond-shaped removable inserts called, lord knows why, "cookies". And I'm not talking about a little bit of subtle enhancement, like maybe making a set of double A's look like full-blown A's. Nope, I'm talking about jumping several letters up the alphabet. I'm talking about serious gravity-defying deception with little resemblance to actual human breasts. Bras so perky they point up. Bras that could even give Barbie a lift.

But after a trip to the lingerie shop to buy a new camisole, I've realized that the deception is finally coming to an end. Because there is now a brand that celebrates our lack of curves. A brand that will make us love our little booblets. A brand that lets us stand up straight (very straight) and be proud:

Flatties of Japan, your time has come.

Technorati tags: bras underwear japan engrish

Bird flu in the UK

Bird flu has arrived in the UK, brought there by a highly appropriate carrier. I had to check the calendar to make sure it wasn't April 1st.

I'm really really old

Holy crap, do I ever feel old.

I'd pretty much forgotten about Dragostea Din Tei, a song by the Moldovian band O-zone. Long after it was a hit in Europe, it was made famous in the rest of the world by this flash video and several Japanese flash animations. These two are my favourites, with honourable mentions for two more. Unfortunately, they aren't very funny if you can't read and understand a bit of Japanese (and even then they're only funny if you accept puns as a category of humour). These are soramimi- lyrics from another language made to sound like Japanese (kind of like an intentional Mondegreen).

So anyway. About me feeling old. I think it's been almost a year since the videos swept accross the internet, but the song is still popular in this country- corporate Japan (in the form of Avex) realized there was money to be made and the song was finally released here. (There's an interesting story behind this, here and here.) And to promote the release, O-zone is in Japan. I saw them on TV tonight- they had a short interview and sang Dragostea Din Tei.

Turns out O-zone consists of three young men. Three young men who happen to be very easy on eyes. Especially Arsenie. Yes, that's right- I already know his name and thanks to Google practically his life story *. Which is why I feel old. Born in 1983, Arsy (I'm sure he'd let me call him Arsy) is a decade younger than me.

Since when are my crushes younger than me? It's always been the other way around. John Taylor, Ian McCulloch, Patrick Stewart (OK, he's in a whole different category of "older"), Johny Depp, Benecio Del Toro**- for the last 20 years, these guys have always been older than me. Even my husband is older***.

But I guess at my ripe old age, the cute guys are either already famous or dead. Which means that from now on any new eye candy will be younger than me.

A depressing thought.

* His favourite colour is red, he likes women with dark hair, and is a member of the Mile High Club.

** Or, as my husband likes to call him, Chuu Toro. Puns are a valid form of humour at our house.

*** I did not add him to that list just because I know he reads my blog. I swear.

Hard Gay

If you live in Japan or read Japan-based blogs, you've probably already heard of Hard Gay, the latest Japanese comedy sensation. Truly one of the funniest things I've seen on TV in Japan, ever.

Plenty has been written about him, which is great because it saves me the trouble but I think Conbinibento has the best description and commentary. Plus 9 clips so you can watch for yourself. Wacky Japanese TV at its best.

Referer Roundup Part Two

Half a year ago I shared some of the weird searches that refer people to this blog. Time for Part Two. This time I'll divide the searches into categories, since many of them are similar.

Mating Madness

There continues to be strong interest in mating. No longer just dogs mating with dogs, either:

dog mating with girl

weird mating

pig mating movies (Google China)

pictures of squirrels mating

chimpanzee mating movie

april 2005 mating family in japan (Google France)

picture of dogs mating in action

Twats

Home twat and mega twat (mentioned last time) are still as popular as ever. Plus:

the twat next door

twat olympics (Thailand's ping pong team is expected to take home their 149th gold medal.)

stinky twat (I'm pretty sure I've never confessed in my blog about how I sometimes get that, you know, not-so-fresh feeling. So how the hell did Google found out?)

Various X-rated

sleazy hotels photo album

maitake truffles sex japan

motel channels porn (because the smart traveler plans his schedule in advance)

mothers who shower with their sons

sweden sex shop

movie "green pubic hair"

peko sex dolls (Peko is the mascot of Fujiya, a chain of cake shops. Her metre-tall plastic likeness stands guard outside each shop, with her bobbing head and creepy grin. Peko is scary. It disturbs me to think there might be someone who gets turned on my Peko. But then again it disturbs me that Peko makes people want to eat cake.)

Animals (non-mating)

Still getting lots of squirrel-related hits, my favourite being pictures of squirrels in a dress. Other animal hits:

no kill" cockroach removal (I need to find out where this person lives so I can stay the hell away from his neighborhood.)

Japanese woman breastfeeding a monkey (Google Korea)

hamster japanese food hammy (Which segues nicely into the next category:)

Food

shoe shaped cakes

"fetus" AND in pho vietnamese (remind me to never check my stats before eating.

kimchi jewellery (Far more effective than a wedding band when it comes to fending off those pesky Lotharios.)

aroma breastmilk japanese (Google Germany)

why gaijin hate nattou (gaijin is Japanese for foreigner, nattou is a food made from fermented soybeans. Its strong smell and sticky slime make it an acquired taste and indeed many foreigners don't like it. However, plenty of Japanese hate it too, presumably for the same reasons as foreigners.)

toilet 15cm naruto (I don't know about you, but if I found a 15cm naruto*-like object in the toilet, I'd be heading to the doctor instead of surfing the internet.)

seedless limo buses

what is a fusilli pasta looks alike!! (Cute how it's written with an Italian accent. Or is that a fake Italian accent? Hard to tell. The double explanation marks make this search even more perplexing.)

"south beach diet"+green beens (One of the many searches apparently trying to find out if certain ingredients are allowed on the South Beach Diet. Christ almighty, people- it's not that difficult. If you can't figure out by yourself if green beans are acceptable or not, you need to try a new diet. The Grapefruit Diet would be a good choice.)

"diet hot cocoa" and "gas"

congee endometriosis (That's the worst kind of endometriosis. Chocolate cysts are so much better.)

Miscellaneous

black rubbed bagus phone table (I know, this isn't so weird. But somehow this sounds really dirty to me. Maybe I should find out what "bagus" means.)

"ferris bueller's day off" and +sarcasm

places in Canada that sell blue fishnet stockings ("Canada" is a pretty big area, isn't it. This person is apparently so desperate for blue fishnet stockings that she's willing to possible travel thousands of kilometres. Freak.)

pictures "children sobbing" (This is the most disturbing one ever.)

Spelling

I know I'm a crappy speller. My emails can be incomprehensible if I forget to do the spell check. It is not unusual for the (Japanese) students in my English classes to correct my mistakes. So it was no shock to find that this blog is sprinkled with spelling mistakes. But I was a bit surprised at the large numbers of of searches containing misspelled words that lead to this site. For example (and I'll only give one example because it's just too shameful), someone searches for azelea, which is a misspelling of azalea, and arrives at my site because I made the same mistake (several times).

Embarrassing, yes. But I also find it really funny. Because Yahoo and Google have introduced a spell checker: if you search for a misspelled word or a word they don't recognize, they'll guess which word you meant and offer another search with the new, corrected word. Like this. Very useful, and now even bad spellers like me can find what we need. But there are people out there who, for their own mysterious reasons, choose to ignore the helpful correction and continue with their badly-spelled search. Which leads them to my blog (I like to think that my blog disappoints them, but more than likely they are delighted to have found a kindred spirit).

Oncoming!

This is probably old news to those of you in Vancouver (or all of North America for all I know). But in an effort to combat Vancouver's auto theft epidemic, police there introduced bait cars last year.

A bait car is just what it sounds like- a car used by police as bait to catch a car thief. It is equipped with a video camera and once stolen, police are dispatched. They follow the bait car, remotely disable its engine, and arrest the thief. If the car thief manages to elude capture, the video taken of him in action is helpful in finding him.

It also makes for some fine viewing at Baitcar.com. Especially riveting is Oncoming.

Read a bit more about Vancouver's bait car program in this Toronto Star article (free registration required).

Least Wanted

bandage.conn.girl
Originally uploaded by Least Wanted.

I'm fascinated by this collection of pictures I found on Flickr. Least Wanted shows hundreds of old mug shots-- nobody famous, some from over over a century ago.

Few descriptions are included and you are mostly left to imagine what crimes these people might have commited. Occasionally a picture is shown pasted to a police file, giving you a bit of information about the people and their suspected crimes. The older ones sometimes include odd measurements like forehead inclination and cheek width.

Some peoples' only "crimes" were being a communist or a transvestite. This woman, arrested 112 years ago, has "Dope fiend and thief" written on her picture. I wonder what kind of dope would that have been in 1893?

Some people have great hats. A few reminded me of people I know, and several looked a bit like celebrities. I'll let you find those for yourself.

Looking through the pictures, a few of the people stand out as actually looking like criminals. Some look positively sinister, and looking at their pictures brings on an uneasy feeling, making me want to look away but at the same time compelling me to keep looking. But other than those few people, the overwhelming feeling from viewing these mugshots is a haunting sadness. Most of the people look normal, human, and vulnerable. There is something touching about their expressions, as they pose with dignity, defiance, tears, a warm smile, a smirk, or a look of dejected resignation. A few are just nutty.

Most of the photographs I've seen of people from the 18th and early 20th century have been portraits. Stiffly and artificially posed, with flat expressions that show little personality. These mugshots are so different, showing real humanity and emotion. The subjects are so full of life that I can't help feel a bit guilty viewing their pictures, as if I'm a voyeur invading their privacy. But I can't stop looking.

I recommend you do the same: Least Wanted is an amazing collection of photographs.

Kitten War!

May the cutest kitten win.

Vintage Mondegreen

The Smoking Gun has a very funny file about the supposedly obscene lyrics of a certain song released in the early 60s. Here's an excerpt of one of the many angry letters that led to an FBI investigation:

We all know there is obsene materials available for those who seek it, but when they start sneaking in this material in the guise of the latest 'teen age rock & roll hit record these morons have gone too far.

This land of ours is headed for an extreme state of moral degradation what with this record, the biggest hit movies and the sex and violence exploited on T.V.

How can we stamp out this menace? ? ? ?

So what was the dirty ditty that caused all this fuss? Check out the Smoking Gun file to find out.

So what the hell is a Mondegreen, you ask? It's a misheard lyric, described here. As an example, when I was a kid I thought the line "just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby" from "Angel of the Morning" was "just brush my teeth before you leave me, baby". Which doesn't even make sense, but I guess most song lyrics don't make sense to the average kid, so I forgive myself.

Here are some better Mondegreens.

Pong

Hammy Hamster isn't the only thing making me feel nostalgic these days- there's also Pong. For those of you who don't know, Pong was one of the first video games ever. Extremely simple, and extremely boring. Yet somehow infuriating and addictive. We had Pong, which must have made us a pretty cool family back then. Until Pacman came along. Soon all the other families were buying Nintendo, home computers, Playstation. Not us. We stuck with Pong. I'm pretty sure it's still in the cabinet under the TV, next to the basket of my Dad's ancient 45's.

Here are some more nostalgic video games.

Hammy Hamster

The other day I received an email from my brother. It contained no actual words, which although this may be the first email he's ever sent me, is not surprising as he is one of those strong, silent types.

A strong, silent, sensitive type, it turns out. With a soft spot for small furry rodents. Who knew.

The email consisted of a link to a CBC article about how Hammy Hamster has been inducted to the Alternative Canadian Walk of Fame (whatever that is). A quote:

"Before the dogmatic twaddle of Barney and Teletubbies, kids looked to Once Upon A Hamster for early-morning amusement. Unapologetically wholesome, the live-action serial followed a boot-dwelling hamster, Hammy, and his exploits with the Riverbank posse: GP the Guinea Pig, Martha Mouse, the Wise Old Frog, Turtle and Granny Rabbit. Tune in one week and you might find Hammy steering a raft or riding shotgun in GP’s car; the next, he’d be navigating a (miniature) hot-air balloon. That critter led a life of unequalled adventure."

A good description of the best show ever. I don't think I've seen it in at least two decades, and I had no idea there was any sort of Hammy Hamster revival. I didn't even know it was a Canadian show.

It hasn't reached Japan so I have no way of indulging my nostalgia for Hammy. It turns out there is a Hammy Hamster webpage, but it just isn't enough. If only a certain strong, silent, sensitive Canadian will tape some shows and send them to me.

Weird Searches

I like checking this blog's viewer statistics. I can't see who exactly visits my site, but I can see how many hits I've had recently, and how they got to my page. About half of my visits are direct hits (meaning someone typed my blog's address directly into her browser, or has my blog bookmarked) or referred from a known source (from other blogs, online groups I belong to, etc). The other half are searches- someone searches for something on Google or another search engine, and my site is included in the results.

I've only posted once about my tattoo, but somehow that page gets the most hits. Apparently, my tattoo of a blue lotus flower is not very original- my blog shows up in tonnes of searches like "blue lotus tattoo picture".

Lots of other lotus related searches- lotus as food, lotus as a flower, lotus as a drug, Lotus as software, Lotus as a car.

Many searches related to Japanese food- dishes (especially nabe-yaki udon- seems to be really popular in Europe), specific ingredients, and recipes. That's one of the reasons I've started including recipes- seems like people want them.

And then there are the odd ones. In most cases these searches have nothing to do with anything I've ever posted, and I find it a bit creepy that my blog came up. Here are some recent ones:

home twat (This is a really common search.)

mega twat (Nice for a change.)

dog mating movie guide (Another disturbingly common search. Can't believe there's a guide to dog mating movies.)

sushi seaweed facial mask (Not a surprise that this search led to my blog. Because I'm always going on and on about the miraculous effects of slapping sushi on my face. You really can't shut me up about sushi seaweed facial masks.)

japan love hotels cheating (Good thing my husband didn't read that specific post...)

SPIDERMAN FIGHT SPIDERLADY

struggle to stay awake (reading my blog is not going to help you, buddy)

(Google Netherlands) brad pitt bathrobe coffee white

(Google Netherlands) nazi christmas decorations (Because nazis are not only a very festive bunch, they really know how to decorate too. Those nazis down the street, they go all out for Christmas. They win the neighborhood "Best Decorated House" prize every year!)

down right dirtiest non-stop sex lucky media

eat apple stay awake (search web no find)

eve has long blue nails in rich girl video

sneak peeks for the movie ''the seed of chunky'' (I know. I can't wait for that one either.)

(Google Germany) blonde girls in fishnet stockings

pictures of squirrels in a limousine (My all-time favourite. I followed up on the search, but unfortunately was unable to find any pictures of squirrels in a limousine. Or even one squirrel, in any kind of vehicle. I did find a number of digitally altered pictures of squirrels, including a few naughty squirrels. There are some seriously disturbed people out there with a lot of time on their hands...)

So there you have it. There are some weird people out there, and they want to see weird things. I bet some of you are weird too. Maybe you'd be interested in seeing SuperSquirrel. You'd probably also like the party squirrel. And I bet you think that a hamster with a microphone is just the cutest thing ever.

Weirdo.

Remakes

Five-minute remakes:

Jaws, with bunnies

Star Dudes

The Beastles

We interrupt the Christmas posts to bring you a fine example of remixing: The Beastles.

Slurp

An oldie but a goodie. This Korean commercial apparently didn't stay on TV very long (and if you're a delicate, easily offended type, you probably don't want to see it):

Download korean_noodle_ad_banned.asf

Something to Shoyu

This delicious superhero has been making the rounds for a while, but for those who haven't seen him:

Fight! Kikkoman

And the English translation

To really appreciate the awfulness the pun in this post's title, you should know that "shoyu" is Japanese for "soy sauce". I'm sorry.

Athens Olympics Vs. Cat Olympics

Olympic fever has begun. I have zero interest.

Well, not really- the actual competitions may not interest me much, but I would be interested in a little coverage of the venue. You know, what kind of place Athens is, what kind of people live there, what kind of food they eat. Perhaps a bit about the Olympics of ancient Greece. And maybe a few heart-warming stories about some of the athletes from around the world who struggled against all odds to come to the games. You know, general interest stuff to add a bit of drama and interest for those of us who aren't so crazy about sports.

I never paid much attention to the Olympics when I was living in Canada, but I do seem to recall seeing quite a bit of that general interest type stuff during previous Olympics. But there is little to none of the above to be found on the TV coverage in Japan. As far as the media here are concerned, the Olympics are about two things: Japan, and Japan winning. At first I meant to pay a bit of attention, since my local supermarket offers extra points- from double to 5 times, depending on the medal- to its pointcard holders on days when Japan wins medals (I'm quite the housewife that way). But Japan has pretty much been winning non-stop (or at least that's the impression I get everytime I turn on the TV), so really, why bother keeping track?

According to the news, winning medals is not only the most important part of the Olympics, it's the only part. Gold medal winners have their triumphant moments and breathless interviews repeated hundreds of times a day on each station, Silver and Bronze winners a few dozen times. Other athletes don't seem to exist. Nor do other countries.

I should be glad the losers aren't shown though. Because with all the pressure on them to win, I find many Japanese athletes to be horribly sore losers. And the only thing worse than the non-stop Yay Japan! coverage is having to watch Japanese athletes crying about losing.

But there are some Olympics worth paying attention to: The Silly Sleeping Pose Olympics. How cute is that?

I don't have a cat (I'm allergic). If I did, I would definitely enter her in the Sleeping Olympics. Also the The Infinate Cat Project. In both cases, I'd dress her up in a nifty outfit from Catprin, a Tailor for Cats. I think the frog would be good.